a dark place
I awoke to snow on the ground today, the first snow of the season. It is pretty to look at through my window, while I remain comfortable inside. Eventually, I will need to emerge from my house and embrace the cold and damp. Many things in this world are pretty, from a distance. But the closer we get to something the more flaws we recognize.
I wonder if this is where depression originates, what are we closer to than ourselves? We don’t just see our physical flaws but we know the internal ones as well. I struggle with depression and feel as though I am fighting for my life these days. I know that I am experiencing depression because my desire to write is challenged. I can sit in my chair for hours and feel as though my mind is a void. This has been my situation for this week and why my blog has lain dormant. As I read Psalm 43 this morning, I finally had the idea to write about the depression. I try to keep things upbeat but no one is upbeat 24/7, that isn’t real. Moreover, if David, the psalmist and a man after God’s own heart, could write about depression; why shouldn’t I, God’s child be able to do the same?
I do cry out to God and I feel as though my cries fall on deaf ears. Why won’t he fix me? For starters, humans are not fixed they are healed. The healing process takes time too. Therefore, I continue to lean heavily upon my faith, upon my God. I trust that this phase of depression will pass and when I look back on it I will have learned something or been strengthened in some way. For God can take the bleakest moments of life and redeem them for beauty.
Isaiah 61: 2-3: “to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.”
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.”
I can relate. Sometimes the darkness in my soul runs so deep that I wish God would call me home right then and there.
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