The Curse of Invisibility

            One of the largest battles in my life has been overcoming invisibility. As the baby of six kids in a turbulent family I struggled to feel like I had been seen. This battle continues today; the need to be seen and recognized is a basic need for me. There were times in my life I didn’t want to be seen; walking through the halls in high school where the bullies stood, anytime my dad was in a drunken rage, when my clothing was ill fitting, when I didn’t know an answer to the question and similar circumstances. But in general, I want people to notice me, to call me by name and smile.

            Fast forward to adulthood; I marry a guy who is larger than life and loved by just about everyone he ever met. I loved him too. But I also knew his foibles, this paragon of virtue wasn’t as solid as everyone believed. We worked well together, and I wholeheartedly supported his dreams and came alongside him in many if not most activities. Yet, when the end product was produced, I was once again invisible. People praised him and I received little if any recognition. My comfort was to tell myself that God and I knew the role I played and that was all that really mattered.  However, I am human and as such I need that validation from another human from time to time. Over time my invisibility caused me to shut myself into a walled off life, I refused to give the power of validation to others and grew resentful.

            It’s a challenge to not be resentful at times of being overshadowed by another. So many emotions surface when I feel that happening. When I step back and walk myself through those emotions and identify the source of them, I handle it better, but I can’t get away from the pain of it. I have been widowed ten years now and no one misses my husband the way I do but I didn’t die when he did, I am still alive and moving forward with life. I see someone who I haven’t seen in a while and the conversation immediately veers to my husband and how much they miss him; pull out my invisibility cloak as I fade into the shadows. I want desperately to scream at them; Stop! I am here, I am alive and living a life, ask me about my life now. I am aware their intent is pure, but it still hurts that they’d rather talk about my dead husband than to see me standing in front of them. My family has progressed to do so many things in the last ten years, we have overcome other struggles, traveled, expanded and built lives of our own; please don’t cheapen the lives we are currently living.

            I am going to step out on behalf of widows and widowers everywhere and make a statement. If the death of a loved one is recent; wait for the door to open to talk about the deceased, I may need to talk about him but please allow me to open that door. If the death is a few years ago; ask me about my life, about me, my life has moved forward. It doesn’t mean I don’t still love that person and miss him. It means I don’t live in that time period anymore. When you revert to the past and that person, you discount the life I am presently living, you discount me, and it hurts! Once again, let me open the door to the past before you bring it up. That door may not open and if it doesn’t, so be it.

            As I said at the beginning, I struggle with invisibility and that is my personal baggage which I know colors my opinions, not every widow or widower has this baggage. However, I still believe that focusing on the deceased rather than the living person discounts and devalues the person you are speaking to.

1 Timothy 5:3 “Give proper recognition to widows who are really in need.” To be fair, this reference in context applies to the physical needs of the widows in the early church. Proper recognition is an emotional need as well. The widow/widower does not cease to be because the spouse died. In my own experience, that has been my perception; I am somehow less of a person because my husband is no longer with me. If he was the only common denominator between us, then it is fine to move on. But if you knew us as a team, you still know me, and I am still here.

            Disclaimer; I realize this is not my normal tone for this blog. Yet, for the sake of anyone who stands in the shadows of the deceased this needed to be said. There is a selfishness in this post I admit however, if I remain silent, I only contribute to the problem.